Living the lie of being gay

As iconic British Drag King Adam All tells us in our book, 'masculinity is very often completely misunderstood as being a neutral ground and people think of it as, oh, that’s just people being people, but as drag kings naturally prove – masculinity is just as performative as femininity.'

What does 'intersex' mean?

This is a big one and I’d urge you to read Do Ask, Do Tell for the full picture.

A therapist will be able to help you understand the root causes of your self-deception and provide guidance on how to overcome it.

If you do not feel comfortable talking to a therapist, there are also many support groups available that can offer you the same level of assistance. They think they’re being completely honest with themselves and everyone else but the reality is very different.”

Talking To a Professional

It is important not to be ashamed or embarrassed about living a lie and seeking help.

Drag Kings challenge norms, expand performance, and are well worth seeking out if you’ve never seen one live. Or it could be traced to the 1910s’ use of ‘twinkle toes’, a euphemism for a gay man. They are hiding from the reality of their situation and pretending that everything is okay when it isn’t. Maybe you’re secure in your identity, but don’t feel like you’re outwardly gay “enough” to be part of the larger LGBTQ+ community – especially if you don’t already know other LGBTQ+ folks.

Being part of a community can play a large role in your quality of life by acting as a support system and preventing isolation.

What do I call myself if all I know is that I’m not cisgender?

Labels are meant to serve you, and you can identify as whatever makes you feel the most yourself. Polyamory, which means having multiple loving or romantic relationships, is one form of ENM. Other forms include open relationships or relationship anarchy (sounds fun right?).

It took time, but I slowly began the process of 'coming-out'; for the first time ever I finally understood who I was and missing parts of my identity fell into place. When I was a teenager in the ’90s, the landscape was narrow and you were either gay or straight, and within that, you were handed fixed roles like butch or femme, top or bottom. We are hiding from the reality of our situation and pretending that everything is okay when it isn’t.

I did however grow up hearing HBT language on a daily basis, whether it was using the word "gay" to describe something that was "a bit rubbish", or as an insult. It often takes time to feel comfortable outwardly embracing an identity, but if it all feels too overwhelming or doesn’t get easier with some time, take a screen at mhascreening.org to see if you may be dealing with symptoms of a mental health condition.